Platonic

Today, we spend a considerable amount of time in the workplace and come in contact with several people from the opposite sex. And, with polished stock readily available, it’s a matter of time before sparks begin to fly.

For the sake of conversation, imagine (and this could be you right now) you’re at work, and you can’t stop thinking about the girl who’s arrived in the next cubicle- she has a penguin tattooed on the point where her bum divider meets the lower back (you leched/drooled/peeked while she was digging into the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet). By a single whiff of her perfume you get hard that can only be described to the tusk of an African male bush elephant.

With everything to lose, you gather up the courage – armed with an excuse to borrow her stapler – and take the first step towards her cubicle. Second step later, reality kicks in and you realize there’s no way the cutest girl in office is going to notice you and plus the office has a strict no-dating-your-colleague policy.

Broken, you step back into you cubicle because the only thing you’ll be spreading tonight is an excel sheet.

Don’t worry, I’ve done the legwork and prepared a step-by-step guide, which will have you performing and climbing the company management in no time.

Firstly, avoid the mistake which most men make i.e. attempting cheap parlour tricks to get attention i.e. cheesy pickup lines.

Instead, go with the stapler, which is a perfect way to squeeze in an introduction.

Your cue: step in after a guy has made a move and use the opportunity to console her by adding a “some people in our office will never respect women” garble. Be genuine and throw in a joke but refrain from being Russell Peters (because only he can do the Indian accent and get laid afterwards).

If you play your cards right, she’ll probably lick vanilla off your tusk from under the table in your cubicle. And once everyone leaves, you can pantomime an entire boss-secretary role-play in the bosses cabin and move to the old on-the-office-photo-copier for a detailed examination. It will be your wildest fantasy coming to fruition. But in order to keep it sizzling fresh you must not let an office rumour axe your tusk.

With some mutual understanding and teamwork, you can follow three easy steps. One, you must behave as if you weren’t doing anything (think of the days when you only jacked off to the thought of her riding your tusk) i.e. avoid mushy notes and conversation in office hours.

Two, maintain one-arm’s distance (this is usually where most people get caught), again, think of her as any other colleague who happens to sit in the next cubicle because it will become evident in the eyes of peers that you’re spending way too much time with this girl (instead, in public glare, and for the sake of tusking around, steer clear of her and request her to do the same i.e. avoid leaving from and arriving to work together).

Lastly, don’t tell anyone and try to keep all your adventures as far away from work as possible i.e. your house (perfect for those living alone).

Happy tusking.

Published originally on GQ.

Before we get into part two (part one), I am going to share an incident with you. At an early age I learned some cheap parlour tricks by incessantly watching Joey and the infamous “How you doin?” on the hit TV show “Friends”. The idea of scoring women during my early teens was empowering and thrilling. Filled with delinquent ideas and raging hormones, I’d carom myself between girls in the school corridor – with little or no success.

Little had I known that I looked nothing like Mat-Le-Blanc and nor did I star in a TV show. Upset, I sat in a corner –by the steps during lunch- one fine day and watched the other kids have a good time. This is when the cutest teacher from school came and sat right next to me (she’d notice my lunch box open with the contents intact). She asked, in her soft voice, if I was going to eat my peanut butter and jam sandwich. On seeing a blank face, she sensed something missing from my usually mischief face and threw her arms around me in a bear hug.

Boy, when you’re 13 years old and the cutest teacher in school (the one with long legs and blonde hair) throws a hug on you – you throw one right back at her and let her know who’s man. Yes sir you do. Till date, I remember those 8 seconds very clearly. She smelled like a freshly cut fruit salad with strong notes of watermelon. The sun shining above her head – like a halo – and as I moved into her arms the noise coming from a distance numbed – my first bliss cross nirvana moment.

Eureka! I discovered hugs! Along the way, I’ve tweaked and worked some great hugging techniques. In my first article we talked about the basics, but with number two, I will walk you through the language of hugging.

Firstly, and most importantly, being a namby-pamby is not going to land you any action. Put your heart into it and not muscles. Make it genuine. And remember, like lies and fake orgasms – a fake hug might rub someone in the wrong way.

When a girl has her arms around a man’s head, she wants to feel closer to him and there could be intimacy between the two. If the hands are below the shoulders (around the waist) it’s a friendly hug – but not if their chest and lower body are touching and rubbing against each other.

Tip: Like many other Europeans, you could spice up the hug by squeezing her butt with one hand while the other runs through her hair. In advertising we call this the 360 degree approach.

The next time you’re out on a date, at one of your favourite restaurants, sit by her side and sneak your arms around her. Imagine you’re in school and you can’t let the teacher see (the very thought is a riot). Tickle her forearms and elbow when she’s repeating the order to the waiter. My favourite is having her rest her head on my shoulders, while my hands play with her hair and a footsie ensues under the table.

Tip: While seated, with her head on your shoulders, slowly rub her inner thighs under the table with your nimble fingers.
Looks like dessert will have to wait…

Published originally on GQ.

Today, in the Metropolitan jungle, we’re expected to be etiquette-ready for any situation. On a single day you could be hopping between a traditional Indian wedding to meeting the CEO to drinking beer with your pals at a local pub to a blind date.

In between tea, cocktails and small talk, there’s that moment – the 5 seconds where you pop in for a hug and a peck on the cheek, although the later is rare in India – when you meet and greet people. Cut short, with my step-by-step guide, the next time you’re in a social or professional situation with a future client or spouse, there will be no awkwardness – you won’t go red in the face or fumble and crash face first. In the first part of this series, I’ll walk you through hugging your girlfriend.

Hugging her should be simple, provided you know which buttons to press. Begin “slow”- pull her close and tight (but don’t strangle her), in a smooth butter-like movement. Make her feel sexy and desired. Once you feel her breadth between your ears and neck, try a combination of slow small clockwise circles and up-down and across movements with your palms on her back – making sure the palms remain in the middle because too high suggests friendship and too low gives the wrong idea.

Give her warmth and safety. Think bang opposite her belly button. Once she throws her arms around your neck, do a little lift (give her the feeling of sweeping her off her feet). Throw in little nothing puppy dog kisses on her ear lobes and mid neck and shoulder area. Once you have her back on her feet, and if she’s biting her lip, slide your hands in her jean back pockets (sneak up on her with a butt hug) keeping it very casual unless you’re alone and she wishes to go further.

If you’ve mastered this, hug her from behind and flirt with her belly area. Depending on the mood, tickle her belly button and love handles with feather like fingers. Remember, not all, but most women love to be cuddled. Again, think cute, funny, gentle and innocent – nerd like. Leave her room for imagination to build a story she’ll never forget.

Published originally on GQ.