Top 10 Things To Say When Airtel Broadband Calls

Are you welcomed by calls from sales-representatives early in the morning, during a client meeting, when you’re out drinking with the boys, while having/making dinner, while negotiating that last bit of fudge on that overtly sundae, doing your homework, filling/evading taxes, baking cookies for your darn kids, strangling your wife (kidding about that last one, even though I’m sure most of you do) from Airtel Broadband?

Boy?! What a nuisance – simply because I already use 2 Airtel Broadband connections. Any how, I’ve devised an almost waggish riposte, yet sensible to your ego, to tackle these incessant calls (keeping it appropriate for all genres).

Here is a list of things to say when the male/female representative says the following:

“Sir, we would like to take 2 minutes of your time to talk about Airtel Broadband.”

**At this point, I can already picture how this conversation is going to go.

-“Yea, sure. Tell me (I have now stepped into the better part of my brian).”

“Do you use broadband on your home pc…?”

Now, here’s your chance to make the best of this conversation, only if your genuinely not interested in Airtel Broadband or you’re a sucker like me with 2 Airtel Broadband connections.

The List

1. Computer? What broadband? I am a farmer. Do you have something for Reena, my buffalo or my tractor? Maybe they can be connected to the internet… (And you can continue to blabber) Reena hasn’t been milking properly, do you have internet that can fix her?

2. Yes, I have a broadband connection. I use it on my Microwave. I like to check my mails while I’m heating left over food. Its connected via a mainframe computer, located at Bedi Grocery Stores… Are you calling from Bedi Stores? Kindly send over some desi ghee (cooking oil).

3. My pet snake has eaten the broadband connection. In fact, I’m speaking from his lard infested stomach. Oh wait! I see the laptop… Hello?

4. I am interested in getting a broadband connection. Kindly send someone over at 123 Thebigwhiterock Drive, Moon.

5. I’m in jail right now. Can you get me a connection here? The inmates are making me do all the work around here…

6. Are you trying to seduce me? I’m filing a complaint.

7. Will the internet and broadband cure haemorrhoids?

8. Gabbar cut my arms off in Sholay? Do you know how I can itch that far corner on my back?

9. Jao, pehle us aadmi ko dhoond kar layo, jisne mere maathe pe likh diya: Mera Baap Airtel Broadband Ka Bill Nahi Dega!! (First, go find the person who wrote on my forehead: My father will not pay for Airtel Broadband).

10. Woof… Rrrrhhh… Woof.. Woohhoooo…

If you have other ideas, please drop them in the comments below. Lets see what all we can get. As it is Airtel wants people to express themselves!! Cheers 😀


Girls You Wish You Never Met


Sandy is one the hottest girls in town – her athletic body, long legs and diva-like looks could make any man weak in the knees. At the moment, she’s flaunting her iPhone and Gucci dress that Rahul – the son of the biggest jeweller in town – gifted to her, for being her boyfriend. Can you spot the donkey in this story?

If you think Sandy is with Rahul because he’s a sweet and honest guy, and because he’s sensitive and understanding, and you think true love beats all odds, then, its time I sat you down and put some sense back into your testosterone fueled head. So what is the warning? And what should you know? Well, rest assured I did the leg work and have my research categorized especially for you.

Sugar Baby
Sandy is your typical money monger – she’ll squeeze your bank like a lemon and move on without any hesitation. She is usually a good looking female who carries herself well, is classy and a sucker for things money can buy, namely designer clothes, latest and most expensive cell phones and loves to dine and party at the most expensive restaurants in town. You’ll find girls of this type swarming around boys and men that have rich daddies – the one’s that are suckers for good looks only. Typically the Sugar Babies will do everything for a man – physically and emotionally – and they like to be spoiled more than often – if you are a middle class man, start looking for bus shelters – and once they’re done squeezing, they move to the next boy with a fat cheque book. For these ladies it is about a lifestyle that they must maintain and about showing off such materialistic conquests in front of other girls.

Designer Diva
The DD is the closest in the family to Sugar Babies. These divas are bitches to the core and they use their good looks to lure men. They aren’t looking for any relationship, they just want the dough, whereas, a Sugar Baby can be in a relation as long as the man fuels her materialistic desires. This girl will leave you in the lurch. On a particular day she’ll make you feel like the man and on others she’ll be a self centered bitch. Usually it’s very easy to spot such girls – they’re usually very hot and they don’t take time in letting loose at clubs and parties. Another good example would be: If you were to call this particular type of girl and tell her you just made it out of an accident alive, she’d pass it off and tell you that her broken nail was the most tragic event of the day.

Balaji Broadcast
This is the one girl you should completely steer clear off, unless you love ‘K’ serials and can’t live without melodrama. This girl loves watching all shows made by Balaji Productions – the kinds that are absolutely pointless, full of ridiculous plots and negativity. She’ll cut her wrists at the drop of a hat and have cry marathons that last weeks. The only way to get anything around this girl is using direct dialogues from shows – this means memorizing all shows at the tips of your fingers. A typical BB would blow even the tiniest of situations into mammoth issues. Be prepared to fight everyday, for the rest of your life – cause it will be a serial.

The Fevichick is the emotionally weak and clingy type girl. Usually at first, she’ll be a darling and an awesome person to be around. Only a few days have passed and her ‘cling mode’ is turned on. You’d find yourself replying to messages and calls all day long. For example: 1. Have you eaten? 2. Have you pooped? 3. Where are you? 4. What are you wearing? And if that’s not enough she’ll land up at your office and home – the surprise visits will get worse. Unless you like needy and clingy chicks, I’d suggest Run!

Jeevan Saathi Jhalli
You’d probably come across this girl through an online portal. The JSJ is the kind of girl that’s looking for the perfect husband – the choice of her parents – and her days are spent surfing the likes of and reading wedding books, and even fantasizing about children and a happily married life. A guy can never match up to the expectations of a JSJ. You’ll soon realize that you’re being controlled and manipulated by the girl into ‘the’ idea of a perfect man. If you like being controlled and told what to do, this is your girl.

Ever since she saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Leh Jayenge, she’s been in love with ‘Raj’ – the character played by Shahrukh Khan. She is on the constant lookout for the mischievous bad boy character who’ll become the sweet darling once they meet. If you’re ever interrupted on a bus or train humming to ‘tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam,’ or any of the tracks from the movie, you’ll know its the DDLJ Kudi. Be prepared to fight off her brothers and family members on a railway station amidst Punjabi cotton fields in true Bollywood style. If you think this sounds moronic – you’re a sane man.

Naive Nannu
The NN is the kind of girl that has absolutely no brains. This means that there would only be one working brain in the relationship. A guy may find this cool at first, but only later realize the mess he’s gotten himself into. You’d be better off having a relationship with your shadow or reflection. She’ll have nothing to say during discussions – it’ll be more like you rambling like a mad baboon with little effect. This would be one of the most boring relationships. I’d suggest getting a goldfish or turtle.

Louis Vuitton Loser
Out of all the girls mentioned above, this one is the most popular and my favourite. I find the LV Loser to be thoroughly ‘amusing’ and ‘silly.’ You can call her the ‘Fresh Off The House Boat’ or the ‘Over Achiever.’ You can easily distinguish her in a crowded party – she’ll be overdressed – she and Govinda would share the same designer labels – and trying too hard. At first, this girl may come across, accidently, but momentarily and look good, however, don’t let your anticipation fool you – the moment the LV Loser opens her mouth, you’ll turn around and run in the opposite direction. If you think a yellow shirt and pink hot pants are cool than this would be your soulmate.

Harry’s Ex
Harry treats women like garbage, and unsurprisingly broke it off with Sunita. On the contrary Sunita still loves Harry even though he’s an asshole. Now, no matter how much Raj loves Sunita, he can never convince her into moving on. ‘Harry’s Ex’ is the worst kind of girl to be in a relation with – all your conversations will end up revolving around how Harry can change. Any normal guy will get fed-up with this kind of girl within a month, however, there are a few risk-takers and thrill seekers who’ll stick around a bit longer – because they think their love will outshine competition – only to end up frustrated, depressed and maybe measured.

Bhakt Bharti
If any conversation with a girl starts with a prayer or you humming the national anthem – you know you’re in a relation with BB. Worst, you’ll have to sacrifice on any form of love making or touching in the event of religious, national or periodic occasions. She is the insanely religious devotee that’ll make you want to take the celibacy oath and maybe even turn into a baba. From mornings to late evenings you’ll be attending prayers and practicing the holy doctrine. And if you show any signs of retreat, you’ll be banned from any sexual contact for the rest of your life – that leaves you with only one thing to do: Prayer.

The list of girls mentioned above have been selected on the basis of their silly and niche characteristics. I do not intend to hurt the sentiments of any particular female, rather, I’m just watching out for my brothers who are unable to get it right. There are several girls out there that are simply amazing and to die for – all the best boys.

Also check out the list of men that women should avoid here.



The trend on the e-street is now all about Twitter. A website using, almost, a global chatting platform to help people connect to others they would not have known otherwise. Companies market jobs, teens talk about their days, and others, just ramble.

Hypothetically speaking, lets have everyone living in Chandigarh active on some social networking site- In this case, lets focus primarily on the Twitter and Facebook concept. The idea may seem far-fetched in, but it will change the way we go about our daily mundane routines. Allow me to elucidate.

Let’s take the Sabzi-Waala (the guy who brings the groceries), the Dhobi (the guy who irons and washes your clothes), the Dhaba-Waala (occasionally where you head for Aloo-Paranthas), the Raddi-Waala (the person who collects all your old newspapers and bottles), and your Safai-Waali (the men/women who keep your house clean). They all build their Facebook and Twitter pages. Lets call these folks ‘Twelpers,’ and we’ll be Hemant (a single, middle-class man, living with his elderly parents).

Now all you’d have to do is add these Twelpers to your personal accounts and follow them. Here’s how your routine would follow in Chandigarh: When you get up in the morning, you’d see Facebook and Twitter updates from the ‘Twelpers,’ followed by Superpokes from your Dhobi and a Tweet ‘@Hemant Clothes ironed and washed. What time is good for delivery? @Dhobi.’ You could revert to his message from your Twitterberry application ‘@Dhobi Arriving home by 5:30pm @Hemant. Send clothes then.’

If the Safai-Waali(a) can’t make it, she/he would Tweet you ‘@Hemant Will be late today. Daughter unwell @Safai-Waali.’ Only moments later, you’d be Tweeted about the rates of groceries, for that day, by the Sabzi-Waala. He’d even click pictures of fresh fruits – from that morning in the Sector 26 Grain Market – with his iPhone and upload them to his Flickr account – so you could see what looks good for the day. He would also use Google Maps on his iPhone to let you determine his location and route. This way you could be at home when he’s around. A typical tweet from him would look like: @Sabzi-Waala #fresh #tomatoes today. #lowprices on #onions @Twelpers26.

The Raddi-Waalas would be the most active Twitter users. They’d tweet daily rates of ‘Raddi’ (similar to stock updates on the news) such as: ‘Newspaper Rs.5/kg :: Bottles Special Rate today Rs.2/bottle.’ And they’d even give special prices to their followers.

As well as, when you’re done partying at a local disc – during the wee hours – you’d send a Tweet to the Dhaba-Waala: ‘@Dhaba-Waala Arriving with 5 #drunk friends. Prepare 20 #aloo-paranthas immediately. #veryhungry @Hemant.’ The Dhaba-Waala would also send Aloo-Parantha Pokes, Sabzi Pokes during lunch hours to your Facebook accounts.

In fact, there would be a Twelper’s group for every sector on Facebook and Twitter. For example: @Twelpers26 and @Twelpers43. So, if you were to move in from another town, all you’d have to do is add the respective Twelper’s group for that sector. Thus, finding a maid, groceries, a reasonable dhobi and aloo-paranthas would become a cake walk.

There would also be reviews on Facebook on which Safai-Waalies (maids) are bad and which Sabzi-Waala (vegetable seller) has the choicest groceries. All the ladies of the sector could even hold regular Tweet-Ups (Twitter folks get together for coffee, usually once a week). Tweet-Up topics can range from blacklisting to endorsing the right people (and this platform would also act as an additional point of gossip).

And finally, apart from the Twelpers, we can also have: @Pooja-Paath (for all news and updates of temples) and even @Geri-Route (get instant feeds on the happenings of the city). This way you’d ensure that all spoiled brats pray before they head out for a day of eve-teasing.

Check out the complete article in The Tribune – Saturday Extra 28 November 2009.