Platonic

What? Not another New Year resolution? You’re feeling sea-sick? A stomach hurl coming along people. While others rant of in oblivion about all the things they’re never going to do, I promise to disclose the anatomy of it all (and, no, this is not a resolution in any form). In other words, the hard and fast of a promise – a resolution – we intend to never keep.

To begin with, lets see why most of us start to panic around this fragile time of the year. It’s peer pressure from your social or work network that triggers a grenade of flustering thoughts. What will I tell Frank and Martha at the gala? Will they think less of me? Will the guy in the cabin next to me at work frown upon my very existence- even though he looks like a walrus?

This is when you begin to fantasize about all the things you’d left uncooked, half-done or put in the far corners of a closet, now full cobwebs. These could be tiny little nothings i.e. going on a diet, smiling everyday, taking a bath every week, check of the imaginary number of women on my to date list, making conversation with complete strangers in alleys – you can add up, right?

And, once these resolutions or for the sake of conversation lets call them “verbal missiles” are in the state of launch sequence, the countdown of sweat trickles down your spine. At this point, it becomes a battle of ego and crushing what others have publicly addressed via blogs or the company newsletter.

How can a junior assistant, to the assistant director, have a better New Year resolution then the boss himself? Its only when this topic comes up in a conversation over dinner, with a client, that the boss halts his schedule, sharpens his pencil and calls in the secretary with a peewee skirt – the kinds that make legs go all the way up.

Focus now. Moments later, a verbal missile would enter the email server trajectory by hitting every employee of the organization. This would be the mother of resolutions, one that clearly defines what every flea must do in order to sustain their position. If this was a “real war”, it would look a lot like Sparta.

Much later, the second week of the first month, the wounded have left (you know, the no-more-twinkies-this-year kind people), and others (the people who you never seem to notice, even when they wear yellow pants) have already forgotten what it was that they promised publicly.

For the rest of us who were in a lazy boy this whole time, with feet up, a glass of Cognac in hand, and enjoying the show, couldn’t help but chuckle over the whole idea. Cheers!!

Published originally on GQ.

You know what happens to the nice guys who pamper girls with flowers, chocolates, expensive gifts or give into her every whim because she has to buy that really cute dress from Palladium – the ones that try to hard at being the “perfect” man?

They get the “best friend” disease, which means packing up your tool and heading for the hills. Here, your best friend will be Lama, a mountain goat. If you want to be the tool women can’t resist, think like a Man. Drop the sissy pink dress and put on your rubber boots.

Men, from a really long time back when you weren’t around, have been born leaders, protectors of the tribe, hunters for food and fighters of life, ambitious for their dreams – the kinds women can’t resist.

Allow me to paint a vivid picture. How many times do you come across a gorgeous looking girl and think, boy, if I was with her? This is when you make the common mistake of putting her on the pedestal – a trophy to be won.

And, chances are you become a fire hydrant in this situation – only twiddling your thumbs. Outcome being, the girl drops you for another man, leaving you heart-broken. You console yourself with: only rich, successful men – the-guys-with-big-cars who look like sculpted Greek gods deserve such women.

Don’t worry – I’ve got the antidote for you.

The first rule to abide by: you are the prize – the trophy to be won. Let women fight for you. Be a tool – women rather share an exciting man than be committed to a loser.

Secondly, think like a hunter: trust your gut instincts. Think DO. In other words, stop counting goats and take the first step – throw that damn spear!

Thirdly, real MEN don’t sit around and listen to women all night, they run around like kids with their toys. They live on adventure and things that go really fast.

Lastly, my advice is like weaponry at your disposal. Avoid the by-the-book routine. Real men fight with lesser armoury like Bruce Wayne from the new Batman movie. Add a mix of your own style and girls will keep coming back for more.

Published originally on GQ.

If women today were like our mothers, we’d behave like cowardly puppies. A ‘Mr. Dependable’ of sorts, if you will. Too bad women are unlike us men. They have evolved much faster and sharper in lesser time. This means the gap between Mars and Venus can only be closed with one of those really cool space shuttles from George Lucas’ version of the universe – Star Wars.

Since the majority of us don’t have Mr. Lucas on speed dial, we need to notch up our game. Just stay calm and rest assured it’s no rocket science. In fact, its merely about the simple things in this perpetually cluttered world.

To capture Venus is to capture the meaning of little things. It’s all about all those forgotten gestures you engaged in to “impress” on the first date (or even to land one, for some). Venus-setters date and evaluate potential mates on a points-based system. A hypothetical; an act of love – one point, bring her flowers – one point, compliment her new hairstyle – two points. Buy her a diamond ring – well, that one is a whole different scoreboard, if you catch my drift.

While women track score, men track purchases. We can’t help it, we equate real numbers. Bigger the purchase only equals more points. Or does it? Flowers, five points; expensive chocolate, ten. A diamond necklace, again, brings us to a whole new- and in our case- completely different scoreboard yet again. Take my word and get her some flowers and compliment her eyes. Result? Save a couple of thousands, gain some points of your own.

Venus is also about self-belief and confidence. You can no longer flex your way into a flock of women. Intellect and sweet charm is now fashionable. When the battle is between Hulk-Hogan and Bryan Adams, the latter takes the win.

Welcome to 2016 men. Your A-game should be all about confidence, intellect and natural charm. Ooze swagger with subtlety, and do all those simple things you know you secretly love. In other words, be a not-so cocky-confident-corn(y)ball and you will be, guaranteed, fluent in Venus.

Published originally on GQ.