The Mars Theory

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You’d agree if I said girls, today, jump in and out of a relationship on a whim. That said, they are certainly running the show, multi-tasking life, giving the bandwagon – cause you can no longer be in the same one – a tough time and even calling the shots on Mars.

In all this canoodling of roles, rare breeds of women have risen from the ashes, like the Phoenix, but only better looking in a two-piece bikini. Of course there’s a flipside to all this, I mean – while others gaze in despair, you can cash in on the opportunity.

Allow me to elucidate a theory.

Firstly, instead of being overwhelmed, observe the pencil heeled, dressed in a suit, with hair tied in a bun. She has the bank balance, looks that make you quaff like a cave man, a fancy car and a 36th floor apartment with a view that makes the moon look like a lamp post. Now, don’t ask me how I know that last bit.

Stay with me. You need to get yourself a Sugar Mamma. She’s a ray of hope – a mistress of excessive and indulgent fun. And, by doing so you’d be no less of a man you ever were. In fact, this will only reinforce your lost childhood confidence.

She wants to escape the corporate battalion and you need a break from stereotypical pressure – a win-win for everyone in the equation. The benefits of being with a Sugar Mamma begin on the lazy boy – chilled beer in hand, watching the game and having pizza delivered at the door – her place, bruh!

These ladies desire love and affection – not necessarily leading to marriage – from a man who’s utterly devoid of work-induced-nag. The kinds most intellectual gentlemen do in boredrooms (aka boardrooms).

The easiest way to get noticed by a Sugar Mamma is to, one, being goofy or if you’re a natural comedic – making her laugh (women love a guy a funny man), two, mastering a rare Chinese technique which can sedate a girl with just a wrist action (rubbing her feet silly) and three, a bottle of wine and some chilled beer – if you’re half as smart as you look, you’ll only drink the wine.

Published originally on GQ.