Today, we spend a considerable amount of time in the workplace and come in contact with several people from the opposite sex. And, with polished stock readily available, it’s a matter of time before sparks begin to fly.
For the sake of conversation, imagine (and this could be you right now) you’re at work, and you can’t stop thinking about the girl who’s arrived in the next cubicle- she has a penguin tattooed on the point where her bum divider meets the lower back (you leched/drooled/peeked while she was digging into the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet). By a single whiff of her perfume you get hard that can only be described to the tusk of an African male bush elephant.
With everything to lose, you gather up the courage – armed with an excuse to borrow her stapler – and take the first step towards her cubicle. Second step later, reality kicks in and you realize there’s no way the cutest girl in office is going to notice you and plus the office has a strict no-dating-your-colleague policy.
Broken, you step back into you cubicle because the only thing you’ll be spreading tonight is an excel sheet.
Don’t worry, I’ve done the legwork and prepared a step-by-step guide, which will have you performing and climbing the company management in no time.
Firstly, avoid the mistake which most men make i.e. attempting cheap parlour tricks to get attention i.e. cheesy pickup lines.
Instead, go with the stapler, which is a perfect way to squeeze in an introduction.
Your cue: step in after a guy has made a move and use the opportunity to console her by adding a “some people in our office will never respect women” garble. Be genuine and throw in a joke but refrain from being Russell Peters (because only he can do the Indian accent and get laid afterwards).
If you play your cards right, she’ll probably lick vanilla off your tusk from under the table in your cubicle. And once everyone leaves, you can pantomime an entire boss-secretary role-play in the bosses cabin and move to the old on-the-office-photo-copier for a detailed examination. It will be your wildest fantasy coming to fruition. But in order to keep it sizzling fresh you must not let an office rumour axe your tusk.
With some mutual understanding and teamwork, you can follow three easy steps. One, you must behave as if you weren’t doing anything (think of the days when you only jacked off to the thought of her riding your tusk) i.e. avoid mushy notes and conversation in office hours.
Two, maintain one-arm’s distance (this is usually where most people get caught), again, think of her as any other colleague who happens to sit in the next cubicle because it will become evident in the eyes of peers that you’re spending way too much time with this girl (instead, in public glare, and for the sake of tusking around, steer clear of her and request her to do the same i.e. avoid leaving from and arriving to work together).
Lastly, don’t tell anyone and try to keep all your adventures as far away from work as possible i.e. your house (perfect for those living alone).
Published originally on GQ.